I got dragged into batchelorette party games by girls I didn't even know.  One of them stole my underwear.

I was approached in the grocery store today by a woman collecting signatures for an abstinence only sex education program and passing out flyers on the same;  while her 3 year (guessing on age) daughter dry humped the metal bars on the seat on the shopping cart.  All I want to do is buy a sandwich but no, we're gonna play "ignore the 3yo exhibitionist and listen to the prude mom".  This whole uncomfortable experience was brought to a rather ironic climax as the toddler humped the cart into a display of batteries knocking them over as she screamed out (a sidenote... I hate the way little girls scream, I would rather have a dirty homeless man dig through my temple with a rusty pair of pliers then listen to little girls scream).  So no one around is saying anything, I threw up a little in my mouth, am dying from laughter on the inside and am screaming at Abstinence lady with my mind because I want to see everything she stands for wither and die.  Finally I can't take it anymore (i.e. battery incident), compose myself and say "I'm sorry mam, but I believe your daughter just dry humped your point into dust... apparently kids are going to do it anyway"

At least I know this lady wasn't catholic... we'd hit our kids for trying that in public (and in private), not let them finish.

crap, I just referred to myself as catholic.  I blame abstinence lady... that bitch

I was perusing the apple store online on my macbook.  Suddenly I felt very dirty.  It was like having my girlfriend interview candidates for my next romantic encounter.  I never had this problem when I was on a Dell... that whore practically asked for it.

I was pulled over by a Pennsylvania State Trooper because of my water bottle today.  There is a new brand of water available at a Sheetz location nearest you called "Fred".  It is bottled from springs in the catskills and is quite refreshing.  I have drank water from hidden springs, filtered through a menagerie of channels and pores in the rock known only to the spring itself, nestled withing the the ancient glacial valleys that are the Catskills of NY.  While lacking scenery this beverage did draw up the sort of memories that I would not complain if I had to visit them on a more frequent basis.  But I digress in the wrong direction.  We must first take a lesson in product design and economics.  All the items one sees in grocery and convenience stores are not bought by the chain and placed on shelves.  Rather the product rents shelf space from the store and the store gets a percentage of profits from the item's sale on top of the rental fee.  Shelves at eye level go for a higher premium than the ones at your feet.  Products are intentionally designed to minimize the space they occupy upon shelves while maximizing the attention they get from a consumer as they pass by.  Which brings us to "Fred" water, which is bottled in a flask shaped bottle.  The bottle is so handy, it fits well into my pocket, isn't cumbersome and doesn't inconveniently fall out. 

So I'm driving down 11, stop at a light and to my left is a cop.  I think nothing of it.  I take a drink, light turns green, I pull through the intersection and get pulled over.  I'm thinking "what the hell... I didn't have enough time to get up to speed to even speed.  I'm driving the truck from work, for which I replaced the tail light and tail gate last week.  So if this cop is a jerk like most of the one's I've come in contact with, I'm gonna fuck with him."

The officer walks up to my window and yells at me "Why do you think I pulled you over son?"
"It's because I'm black isn't it"              (Side note: I'm very white, my family is Slovenian and German)
:>Long and uncomfortable stare<:
"Are you not down with the brown?"
"Step out of the vehicle please"

I get out of the truck and see the officer looking at my bottle of catskill refreshment on the seat.  An epiphany! I grab the bottle and hand it to the officer saying "I think you pulled me over because you saw me drinking out of this.  It's water, you can buy it at Sheetz."  He checks it out, the look on his face goes from pissed off, to smug, to suprise, to discust. We talk a little about mistaken identity, appearances, marketing and first impressions.  I give him the bottle to show his buddies at the station, he lets me off with a laugh, and I thank him for the story I'm about to tell all my friends.

Mistletoe belly button rings/piercings... good idea or bad idea?  When addressing the issue from the stance of the typical pop culture reference of "Kiss me under the Mistletoe" this is just 8.5 out of 10 awesome.  However when viewed from the scientific and analytical perspective; a piece of body jewelry in the guise of a parasitic plant hanging out around body cavities and mucus membranes doesn't go very far as a turn on.

I feel bad for the upper class of high society.  First it was inbreeding, now it's dangerous levels of mercury in their white albacore tuna.  These people are just doomed to mental retardation.

Before the Big Bang, energy and mater were unified in a single state of existence.  It was only until after the Big Bang did mater and energy separate. Every time I eat something a little bit of that food gets transformed into energy so I can move around, do my business and basically exist.  So every time I poo, it's just the aftermath of my body reversing a very teeny tiny amount of the Big Bang.  Big Bang to Big Dump!  Maybe that's the point of life in general.  To digest the universe and turn it back into a single unified state of being so things can start again.

My pant legs froze to my boots from work today... I couldn't take them off.  So instead of waiting to thaw out I used a blowtorch on my ankles.  This caught the fringes on my jeans on fire which in turn caught the rest of my pants on fire.  





My head hurts

I've been told by a few people that Hallmark is coming out with a commemorative christmas tree ornament.  I sincerely HOPE that this is not true and if it is Hallmark will CHANGE their mind.  Every American household does not need the first black president "hanging" from their tree.  I know, I know it's not as if Hallmark is kicking the angle off the top of everyone's christmas tree and stringing Barry up there; but aesthetics aside, my point is still valid.

Shamefully, hilariously, unfortunately, ironically valid.


I might have voted for him if his campaign passed out christmas ornaments

I was in a meeting today with my company's engineer and secretary.  My phone rang.  The setting was casual enough they told me to just answer it.  I picked it up and didn't recognize the number.  Oh well answer anyway.  Judging by the feedback I get right away, the person at the other end is on a speaker phone.

Me: "Hello?"
Person who turns out to be a little girl: "Hi Daddy!"
Me: "Oh no no no, Honey, I really hope you have the wrong number"

keep in mind my phone is a little loud and my coworkers can hear this all transpiring.

Woman in the background... presumably the little girl's parent or legal guardian::>**cackle**<:: "yup, that's a wrong number... sure scared you for a second though. Although, just like a man to run from such a thing"
Me: "Mam, if you knew me at all you'd know that people I refer to as friends have started and collected signatures on petitions in an effort to prevent such a thing from occurring"
Woman in the background::>**laughs and hangs up**<::

Truth be told there have been three petitions (that I know of) asking me not to reproduce, spawn, bud off, clone myself, or donate sperm.  The first one started while I was still in High School.

Later that evening I'm driving to the Climbnasium.  My buddy G.G. is with me.  He used to work at Bob Evans and hated it.  So every time we go by it he has to flick it off.  Today he decides to roll down the window and scream at it.  There is a cop nearby.  I flip the little switch that takes window control away from everyone but the driver and put his window back up while informing him that his "window privelages have been recoked."

He continues to scream
I scream back
We're both screaming now but for no reason... Just normal conversation but screaming it at eachother.

Eventually we get to this:

Me: "Don't even think about getting into a one-up contest with me.  I'm too hyper right now and at the end of the day you have a kid to look after"
G.G.: "That may be true, but remember, you're his godfather.  Anything happens to me and he's you're problem"
Me: "I do believe you have won that argument"


oi

So I just got back from gem hunting in NC.  Didn't have internet there but kept an abridged journal.  Here's the cut and paste

Day One:

Drove 7 hours yesterday to NC for emerald hunting.  Along the way got stuck behind a FedEx truck going 50mph in what should have been 70mph traffic.  The guy was blocking 2 lanes of highway and really should have been run off the road or corralled by a group of Hell’s Angels.  Got to the campground and found our cabin.  There’s a twine backed chair inside that is in the process of rotting.  The whole cabin smells like rotten twine.  The air freshener from my car is currently hanging below the ceiling fan which shall run for the duration of our stay. Acorns are constantly falling out of the trees here.  They hit the roof and it sounds like someone throwing rocks at us.  If my car gets dented I’m going to be pissed.

Day Two:

Drive to Hiddenite for emeralds! Wait, not yet; groceries first.  Closest town is “Mocksville”  our options for breakfast are McDonalds, Burger King, Wendies, Arbies, KFC, Subway, Bojangels, or the truck stop.  Ate at the truck stop, I had the corned beef hash (as is my custom) southern cooking is delicious. Grocery shopping at Walmart.  The beer asile was rather unimpressive except for a caffeinated, taurine laden beer! Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you; for your thirst quenching pleasure… “Sparks” alcohol caffeine taurine hybrid malted beverage.  And now Sparks plus with 7% alcohol by volume; hence fourth, the official beer of Mikey.  Now we go for emeralds.  And we found emeralds, jasper, quartz, rutilated quartz, amathyst, agate, fluorite, topaz, aquamarine, rubie, sapphire, sodalite, adventureine, muscovite books, and opal. Had lunch while sitting on the bumper of my car, drank a Sparks (noon on friday... awesome!) and ate a turkey sandwich.  Yellow jackets flying around land on my sandwich.  I'm talking to a lady and not paying attention and end up eating on of them.  The little bastard stings me on the side of my tongue. Dinner was delicious stir fry, sat by the fire and smoked a Cuban.

Day Three:

Got a couple pounds of Rubie and Saphire.  Some more emeralds and aquamarine, smokey quarts, tourmaline, topaz, fluorite, citrine, amathyst, garnet, tigers eye, rutilated quartz, quarts, adventureine, jasper. Had delicious beef stew: beef, tomatoes, carrots, celery, onion, potato, sweet potato, pepper, basil… mmmmmmm

Day Four:

Drive home.  7 more hours, 998 miles total.  Half of driving through VA is behind a truck hauling pigeons...?

So after years of coaxing and obscure reference to LJ, I finally got one.  This account shall serve two purposes: First I can better stay in touch with the fine members of the IMT.  Second (or what the authorities will refer to as "Exhibit B") this will house what will be a series of disaffected, non-continues, albeit haphazardly strung together collection of disenfranchised rants ranging from the political scope, to the most recent dead body that has blocked my travels allong Pennsylvania's wonderful State Highway System (and yes, there have been more than one... and No, it wasn't my fault.)


Now... the beginning of my latest work.